i don’t want to achieve equality by sinking to men’s level, i want them to get on ours! why should i have to unlearn the conversational art of waiting my turn, unlearn sexual self-restraint, unlearn trust in others’ good intentions, unlearn the impulse to cater to others’ needs, just to have a chance at success among savages? why can’t the men learn some fucking manners so we can all conduct our affairs in a civilized manner? i shouldn’t have to stop saying sorry, you say sorry!
In the 80s when I was in my freshman year in college, they still had entirely separate mens and women’s dorms. I was in class waiting for a final to start and one of the guys was telling someone about how he had had to go into a women’s dorm to drop something off, and he was startled to see posters on the walls, flowers, curtains, etc. He said his men’s dorm had holes in the walls, things on fire, fights, guys walking around with open wounds and he just didn’t understand why they had to live like this. He said, “I want to live with the women, in civilization.”
Am reading Sisterhood of Spies, about women working for the OSS during WWII. One of the stories mentions that the women in London had a male visitor who would eat in their mess hall once a month. He was married and wasn’t interested in hitting on any of the women; he just wanted to eat in an atmosphere where people said “Please pass the butter,” instead of “PASS THE GODDAMNED GREASE”
I dated a guy who brought me along on group activities (movies, video game night, etc.) with four or five other male friends. Once I mentioned to one of the other guys that I hoped I wasn’t intruding on their “guy time” or some such. He got this sort of rueful look and said, “The truth is, I really like it when you’re here because it gives us a reason to act better. When it’s just guys, we all have to try to outdo each other with how vile we are.”
So the moral of these stories are men don’t even treat each other like human beings.
Many years ago I joined a D&D group that had been going for several years and, until I arrived, was all men. The first session was awkward but I was very shy at the time and so assumed it was just because I was being oversensitive, but many months later, one of them took me asied and asked if I was happy in the group. I said yes, and asked why he wanted to know particularly.
“I don’t want you to leave,” he said. “Having you around means we have better conversations, in and out of character, because we’re not just trying to gross each other out or one up each other. I didn’t know Ryan could even speak in full sentences until you showed up and asked everyone how they are at the start of each session. I didn’t even know he had kids!”
They’d just been showing up, arguing, killing some kobolds or whatever, and going home, and at least two of them hadn’t really been enjoying it until they actually started socialising with it.
Society enables Toxic Masculinity so much that for too many men, the elements of toxic masculinity are the only form of masculinity they know.
society encourages and drives toxic masculinity to concentrate power in a small group of male people and leave everyone else hyperfocused on attaining ideals no one can live up to, regardless of gender, because the desire to conform and gain social capital are core monkey instincts: belonging = surviving. and they got warped and abused into this self-perpetuating bullshit that benefits almost no one
the greatest skill a woman can learn for herself is self reliance
to clarify … so many strong women in my life rely on men. that dependence is dangerous. ladies here are some good ref resources I’ve found helpful on my journey towards self reliance
this list is in no way comprehensive feel free to add on
a lot of ‘man things’ are a lot easier than you think they are. especially considering the fact that most of these things when buying the parts come with directions on the packaging that men usually don’t even look at (and often end up doing it wrong because they were taught by fathers who also did not look at the packaging).
like i recently had to change my car battery and freaked out cause i thought id electrocute myself but turns out new batteries come with directions and its the easiest shit in the world so long as you can lift the damn thing.
so yeah, ladies dont ever feel like a man is a necessity for life, you can do this shit on your own its easier than you think!
